10 Things Learned From 10 Years Of Marriage

1. Get On The Same Page With Money
Simply put, I have seen this issue of money ruin marriages. RUIN marriages. You have GOT to get on the same page with your spouse about how money will and will not be used in your home. Money issues create more stress, more chaos, more arguments, more resentment, than almost any other issue. I am SOOOO grateful to say that out of all the things Jenny and I have struggled with over the years, money, for the most part, hasn’t been one of those. Not because we had or have a lot of it. In fact we have had seasons where were REALLY low in the account. But there wasn’t stress. Because we knew where we stood on our convictions about money.

We knew we weren’t going to take on credit card debt, so no arguments there.
We knew we would always tithe and give to the local church, so no arguments there.
We knew we weren’t going to buy completely unnecessary purchases in order to keep up with cultural trends, so no arguments there.

You have got to be aligned in how you will spend your money and what is important or it will come back to bite you in huge ways.



2. Get On Same Page With Faith
There is no more important issue in marriage than submitting your marriage to the Lordship of Jesus. And there is no more difficult road to walk than when one spouse is longing to follow Jesus and the other isn’t. I know that sometimes it is only after the wedding that one spouse gives their lives to trusting Jesus and the other doesn’t. But if you know going into a wedding that you are longing to pursue Jesus and your future spouse isn’t, GET OUT OF THE ENGAGEMENT.

If you came to Christ after the wedding day and your spouse refuses to, you have a commitment to pursue Jesus above all things. However, you have also committed yourself to your spouse and you have no right to leave them for this sole reason. Your role now is to be Jesus to them.

Show them exactly who Jesus is by…
Serving them.
Praying for them.
Encouraging them.
Loving them.
Being compassionate to them.
And laying down your life for them.



3. Don’t Take Things Personally
Your spouse will say things with an unintended tone, forget to follow through on what they promised, and give you looks that could be interpreted multiple ways. You have got to learn not to take things personally in marriage. When your spouse points out that you forgot to sweep after mowing, it is not a personal attack on your character. It is a statement of fact. Learn not to take things personally and it will save a lot of arguments over nothing.



4. Always Give Your Spouse The Benefit Of The Doubt
This one is HUGE! You will face a failed expectation of some sort almost each day. Dinner wasn’t what you thought, they responded in a way that was hurtful, they spent money on something you think was unwise. Whatever that failed expectation is you always have a moment that you can choose what to think about your spouse. You can either carry out the negative thoughts about them and let them know. Or you can choose to give them the benefit of the doubt.

I know there have been times where I have hurt Jenny or I have not met her expectations and she has had to tell herself, “I would’ve never done what he just did, but I also know Jason’s intentions are good and that in the end, Jason is for us and would never do anything to intentionally hurt our marriage.” Like I said, this one is HUGE because if you don’t practice giving your spouse the benefit of the doubt you are on a fast train to resentment, bitterness, and self-righteousness.



5. Make Allowance For Faults
It is so easy to always think about all the things your spouse DOESN’T do. The things they SHOULD’VE said. The way they DON’T clean up. The respect they DON’T give you. But your spouse is human. Which means they will make mistakes. They will not get it all right. They will forget to follow through on things. They will burn the food at times. They will shrink your sweaters (wooops – 1st year of marriage story there).

You want to know how to tell if you have a marriage and a home that makes allowance for each other’s faults? One simple way is that your home will have a lot of laughter. Laughter means everyone is relaxed and can be themselves. And you can only be yourself when you know you are loved and accepted because of who you are, not because of what you have or haven’t done. There is no worse kind of home than the home where everyone is on eggshells. It means grace has moved out. And when grace moves out of a home and a marriage it will make for a miserable relationship.



6. Make Your Spouse Your Priority
This one isn’t complicated. If your spouse isn’t a priority it will only take a second for them to know it. Your relationship with your spouse is more important than your work. More important than your friends. More important than your hobbies. More important than your car. And yes, even more important your kids. So find ways to communicate to your spouse that there is no greater priority in your life than them.

And by the way, this isn’t something you can tell your spouse. It doesn’t work to say, “You are my greatest priority.” This is something that can only be demonstrated. So save the words and just find the things to do that will let them know.



7. Make Memories
Studies show that couples are significantly more likely to survive turmoil in their marriage if they share at least 8 positive memories together. So here is some practical application, make lots of memories. Go on day trips, try new restaurants, go on vacations, create inside jokes, and go through your photo album every now and then together to relive some of those memories.



8. You Will Never Change Your Spouse
I am not sure I really got this one until after a lot of years of hurting Jenny. If you think you will change your spouse, you won’t. So stop trying. Only your spouse can change themselves.

And nagging, bribing, pestering, and shaming them to change will NEVER work! Relax and enjoy them as they really are, not as you want them to be. Believing you can change someone will only lead you to resent them for not changing into your own personal vision of who they should be.



9. Do Whatever It Takes To Help Your Spouse Come Alive
Part of the role you have as a spouse is to help your partner reach the fullest potential they have as a human created in the image of God. Simply put, you have a responsibility to enable and empower your spouse to do the things that bring them to life. The more alive they are the better spouse they will be as well.

If exercise brings them to life, give them time and space to exercise.
If it’s reading and studying, then encourage this.
If it’s being outside, then give them freedom to get outside.
If it’s working with children, watch your kids one afternoon a week so they can volunteer with children in the community.

Whatever it is for your spouse, help them go after it full speed.



10. Busyness Will Lead You To Simply Living Together
We live in a culture addicted to busyness. Sitting around with nothing to do on a Friday night is almost seen as a bit prudish. We fill our days with work and our nights with hobbies and then you throw kids in the mix and the whole thing blows up. There is nothing Jenny and I have had to fight off more than encroaching busyness. There will ALWAYS be someone else to have dinner with, always another event worth going to, always another commitment for you to make.

In the seasons where it has felt like Jenny and I were just roommates (yes we have had several of those seasons) the common thread has always been extraordinary busyness. One rule we try our very best to live by is that we will not be out doing stuff at night more than twice a week. We want 5 nights together. That may not be your rule but unless you have something in place anything and everything will call for your attention. That is, anything and everything except your marriage.