Further Thoughts On Shame And Hiding

This weekend was a great weekend at LCBC. We explored some of the most primal instincts we have as humans that center on shame and hiding. When we let shame drive us into hiding and don't allow ourselves to be known, we will never really know connection with others.

Here are a few more thoughts about the weekend:

Facebook
If you are interested in the map of world based on Facebook connections you can find it here.


A Couple Of People Who Have Helped Me Along The Way
Brene Brown – Brene is a researcher who has given her life to exploring human connection and vulnerability. She has written some books on these issues and has some great talks she gave at TED experiences. You can check them out here.

Lewis Smedes – Read his book “Shame and Grace”. Worth it.


Should I Be Vulnerable With Anyone?
No. It is a sacred act to make yourself vulnerable and the reality is that not everyone can be trusted with your vulnerability. There is nothing worse than making yourself vulnerable, expressing those things hidden, only to have shame, judgment, and disappointment thrown back your way. In fact, this will more than often just confirm the reasons you had in the first place for hiding those parts of yourself. So be wise.

Here are the tips Brene Brown gives for who NOT to be vulnerable with:

1. You may not want to be vulnerable with someone who will feel shame for you. If they gasp at the things you share and confirm how horrified you should be at yourself, you will end up consoling them and making them feel better. Some people just aren't emotionally ready to hear it.

2. You may not want to be vulnerable with someone who will only give you sympathy. What you need when you are vulnerable is empathy. You don't need someone to say, "Oh you poor thing", which only creates more shame. You need someone to say, "I get it. I know what that's like...".

3. You may not want to be vulnerable with someone who looks to you for their own worth and security. They may not know what to do when their source of worthiness makes themselves known.

4. You may not want to be vulnerable with someone who will scold you for what you share. The last thing you need to hear when being vulnerable is "How could you have done that?"

5. You may not want to be vulnerable with someone who always needs to make you feel better. Because of their own discomfort, they may say things like, "Oh that isn't that bad. You are fine. Everyone loves you." You need empathy and honesty in your vulnerability.

Sharing your story and choosing vulnerability is a healing and sacred act. But be wise about who you enter into this with.


Last Thought
I'll leave you with a quote from Lewis Smedes from "Shame and Grace":

“Grace based people dare to own any current, any drive, any sadness, any joy, any urge that might show up in their spiritual basements. They know that nothing in their conscience or unconscious selves can make them unacceptable to God. Grace makes self-knowledge bearable.”